


Handsome Jack,  A Riddle For You

by Pandsiebo



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Crack, Jokes, Maya and Zer0 are Bonkers, Not to be taken seriously, Stupid riddles, everyone else is just confused
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:41:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25427836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pandsiebo/pseuds/Pandsiebo
Summary: Maya and Zer0 discover riddles and jokes, they test out their new knowledge on Handsome Jack who will NEVER guess the answer to the final riddle.(A friend and I, who play as Maya and Zer0 respectfully, were dicking around and it inspired me.)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

Over Pandora, there were select places under strict Hyperion rule. In these areas, and around them, every little noise was caught and monitored.

That knowledge is what led Vault Hunters, Maya and Zer0, to find a Hyperion camp and clear it of employees.

They'd sat themselves on a watch tower in the middle of the base. Zer0 had to assist Maya just a little in getting up there.

Truthfully, the two of them were slightly drunk. They'd been at Moxxi's just before this, but snuck away giggling.

If you asked Moxxi, she'd have no idea why. Sure, she'd seen them with their heads together, whispering and occasionally laughing aloud. Maya's loud, boisterous laugh, and Zer0's barely contained snickering.

She noticed as well, when Zer0 murmured something to Maya, displaying an odd face on their mask-

>:3

And she sure as hell saw them get up and leave, nearly stumbling over each other in a rush to run off into the night.

But that didn't matter now. Now, they were perched on the watchtower. Maya was giggling, snorting and trying to contain herself for the second part of the plan. Zer0's shoulders shook with giggles, also trying to control themself.

Their mask displayed an almost permanent XD.

Finally, they both calmed down and stilled. Zer0 stopped the projections on their helmet. Maya sat up straight, taking a deep breath, then speaking out into the air.

"Hey, Handsome Jack, are you-" She stopped and squashed down her creeping grin, hitting Zer0's chest when they started snickering. "You listening to us, right now?"

They had to wait just a little while for a reply. Long enough that Maya was about to give it another go.

The voice crackled and popped through their coms, that smooth and douchey voice. 

"Well, if it isn't the Siren and the Assassin. I sure am listening, sweetheart. Ready to surrender? Maybe turn over those 'friends' of yours?"

"Not quite, Handsome Jack./" Zero started their Haiku, turning over to Maya.

She knew where this was going, biting her hand to quell her giggles, gesting frantically for Zer0 to continue.

They got the hint, haiku waivering only a little. 

"We have a few riddles,/ chosen just for you." Zer0 continued, voice shaking under their effort to stay calm. Their mask betrayed them - :'D -, lighting up against their helmet.

Maya choked, but managed not to laugh aloud still.

Handsome Jack murmured questioningly. "I'm touched, kitten- you senselessly murdered just to ask me some  _ riddles _ . You know what, I'll humor you. When you die, maybe I'll use the riddles. Make it a game, 'answer the riddles right, or die'."

Maya waved her hand dismissively, no longer hiding her grin. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. We've got three. If you can answer all three, no problem, you're definitely the better than the two of us, here. Maybe all vault hunters." She looked at Zer0 who nodded encouragingly, and a little too enthusiastically.

"What'd you mean?"

"These riddles were made/Where I come from. They test your/ strength, mentally. But…"

Maya finished for them. "We changed them just a little- things get lost in translation, you see. Is that a problem?"

Handsome Jack was probably leaning in his desk chair right about now, legs propped up on his desk and smug as ever. "No problem, sweetheart. None at all. Let me hear them before I lose my patience for this little game."

Maya cleared her throat, gripping at the ledge of the roof when Zer0 clasped their hands together, looking much too eager. Their - :D - seemed bright and eager, too.

"'What always ends everything'? You have three guesses."

It was quiet, save for the sound of Jack humming in thought. "Death?"

"Incorrect." Was Zer0's giddy reply. They couldn't wait for the third riddle.

Zer0 and Maya shared a look. They both knew what the first one was, and the second. The third is what really had them giggling, what they  _ knew _ Handsome Jack could never answer.

"Huh. 'What always ends everyth...' Is it… the letter  _ g _ ?" He sounded smug. That was fine.

"Correct! Damn, th-that was fast." Maya was struggling again.

"Course it was, you simple-minds are just too predictable. Hit me with the next one."

"'I am so fragile, / that when you say my name, I'm / broken. What am I?" Zer0 asked this one, turning to Maya and displaying 'LOL' again.

Jack's reply came much faster than last time. "Easy, it's 'Silence'. Honestly, you vault hunters don't come very smart, do you? I mean, you find this stuff  _ challenging _ ? No wonder you all are so  _ stupid _ -"

"Ah-ah-ah!" Maya cut him off, shaking her head much like a disrespected teacher. "There's still one left."

He tsked in response. "Fine. Give it to me."

After a quick Rock Paper Scissors match- of which Zer0 was victorious, they steeled themself and asked the question.

"When being stealthy, / what is the best footwear type / to use? Three guesses."

Jack seemed caught off guard this time, remaining silent for a little too long. "Mind repeating that, sweetheart?"

Maya repeated what Zer0 had said, doing her best to mimic their monotone voice. 

That tickled them, and they emmited a startled noise of humor, then smacked their hands against their helmet in an effort to quiet. The sound it made was actually louder than Zer0s laugh, and made them nearly fall backwards with the shock.

Maya tried so hard not to snort and laugh that she ended up choking and coughing again.

"What-what are you two  _ doing _ ? Is this a trick?"

"Nope. It has an answer." Maya managed, able to breath again. "You're not  _ giving  _ up, are you?"

Jack scoffed. "No. Is it… those sound absorbing boots or whatever from the commercial going around?"

Zer0 made a noise that  _ closely _ resembled a game show buzzer. Maya couldn't bring herself to ask hoe they did it, laughs finally bubbling up and escaping her.

"You-you're never gonna get it!" The only thing keeping her from falling off the watchtower was Zer0's arm firmly around her. They were shaking with laughs too.

Maya was snorting, not even aware when Handsome Jack started speaking again.

"Oh, you think that's funny, do you? Don't worry, kiddos, a helping of loader bots oughta teach you not to laugh at me."

The two Vault hunters weren't concerned when the deployers came hurtling towards earth. They could handle themselves.

\-----

They came stumbling, and giggling, back to Sanctuary in the quiet hours of the morning. Covered in various amounts of motor oil and mud. 

Maya had slipped and face planted in the mud on the way back. Zer0 laughed so hard that they slipped too, landing on their back in the same mud bank.

Tannis, who was the only one still awake in the Crimson Raiders HQ, would deny ever having seen them. She turned away and ignored them the second she saw their ridiculous grins.


	2. Jack is Trying So Hard, but he's also dumb

Jack's second guess came two days later. All of the Vault hunters had piled into a technical, bumping a driving along a dirt road. They were making their way to the Hyperion city of Opportunity for the next part of their plan.

Axton was driving the technical, with Gaige acting as his gunner. Kreig and Maya sat next to each other in the back seat, facing Salvador and Zer0.

It was a pretty dull, and quiet for a ride through Pandora. At least until Jack hijacked (no pun intended) their echo coms to harass them again.

"So, kiddos, seems you've got some kind of plan rattling around in those empty heads of yours. Or, maybe you just tossed a gun and started driving the direction it pointed."

Like normal, none of them answered him. Gaige, on some whim, pointed the sawblade-shooter towards Helios and shot a few times. It didn't work, of course. Wouldn't it be great if it did?

"You know," he laughed aloud. "Betrayed as you were by Angel, I'm surprised you haven't just crawled into a hole to die. You'll end up dying either way, but if you did that, it'd be easier on all of us. Just thought I'd remind you, you won't win against someone who controls more of Pandora than you can shoot at."

He seemed ready to cut it off, but started talking again. Everyone seemed more surprised this time.

"Oh, Maya, Zer0, kiddos, I figured out the answer." Jack sounded  _ so _ smug.

Everyone turned to look at Maya and Zer0 with varying degrees of confusion. They were facing each other, trying to remain casual and stoic. Axton was probably confused as well.

Maya finally broke the Vault Hunter's silence game. "Oh? Did you now?"

"Yeah. It was a little tricky, till I remembered its a  _ riddle _ . The answer was obvious after that. The answer for the best kind of footwear to use for stealth, is  _ none _ . You're quieter without shoes than with."

Handsome Jack sounded so sure of himself, it was almost pathetic. It was mostly hilarious. Maya was grinning again.

"Incorrect. Again. / really, Handsome Jack, this should / be very easy for you." Zer0 displayed a smiling face to match Maya's trouble making grin.

At Handsome Jack's upset huff, Salvador began to smile. He didn't quite know what was going on, but he knew it was upsetting Jack, so he added on.

"Oh,  _ that  _ riddle? Amigo, you don't know the answer? It's too easy. I got it first try when they asked."

Salvador doubted they'd ever seen Zer0 look that pleased. They clasped their hands together and nodded enthusiastically, Maya shooting Salvador a pleased smile.

Gaige spoke up from her place on the sawblade-shooter.

"God Handsome Jack, I knew you were old, but I expected you to be smart for your age."

Maya nodded along, placing her hand on Kriegs arm to catch his attention. "That's true. I mean, even Kreig could guess. It just took him a try to put it into words. Isn't that right Kreig? You know the answer?"

Kreig stared at her for a moment, making them all a little nervous that the gig was up. Then, he brandished his buzz-axe to the air and shouted at the top of his lungs.

"I WILL TEAR THE ANSWER FROM YOUR VERY SKULL! AS MY HEAD WAS TORN TO PIECES! TEAR! BLOODSHED!"

Maya high-fived Zer0, glad Kreig could understand what she was saying.

"That's the most sure I'd ever seen Kreig confirm something, Jack. That makes you dumber than a psycho." Gaige grinned evilly from her place on top of the technical. 

"DAMM-" Jack cut himself off and growled, breath heavy, like he was furious. "Oohohohoh, don't you worry kiddo's, I've still got one more guess. Just cuz I don't think like an uncivilized vault hunter doesn't mean I won't get the answer. I'll find it, then give it to you right before I put a bullet between your eyes." Jack ended the echo call, leaving them all with that promise.

Zer0 was in pieces, arms wrapped around themself and shaking with silent laughter. 

Lilith spoke up over the coms. Seems she'd been listening. "Uh… Do I want to know what that was about?"

Seeing as Zer0 was still dying at this interaction, Maya shook her head- mostly towards the other Vault hunters. "No, probably not. Just messing with Jack how he deserves."

"If you say so, Killer."

Zer0 finally displayed- :'D - on their mask and wiped away an imaginary tear.


	3. Angel Gets the Answer

They'd done it. They defeated Angels bonds, her tie to hyperion and Handsome Jack. 

Lilith crouched next to Angel, hand comfortingly on her arm. The other Vault Hunters stood around the two, watching in solemn silence.

The corpses of every bot they'd killed were still sparking, the bunker emmiting creaking from so much damage. 

Angel swallowed visibly, shutting her eyes tight, then opening them again.

"This was how it had to happen… there was no other way. Don't be upset… you're helping end a life of servitude." Angel laughed bitterly, wincing and cutting the laugh short.

No one else responded, letting her say what she wanted to say. Kreig too, who didn't even itch to scream and yell.

Angel directed her foggy eyes up to Zero, the closest Vault hunter to her.

They noticed imediatly, stepping closer and crouching down to be eye-level.

She reached out her hand, and Zer0 held it before it could fall back to her side.

"What was…" Angel swallowed again, no longer trying to meet their eyes- or, helmet. "What was the answer? To that riddle…?"

Zer0 turned around, sharing a masked look with Maya. Maya nodded at them.

Zer0 leaned close to Angel, pressing their helmet gently against the side of her head. No one heard what they said, but Angel cracked a smile, weakly giggling at whatever it was.

"Wow… he's going to be so angry. He'll never get it. Please… tell him the answer, just before you kill him, okay? For me..."

"Angel," Jack pleaded over the com. "Angel you don't have to do this, Angel  _ please _ !"

"Dad? You're an asshole…" Then, she was gone.

Unfortunately, they weren't given time to mourn.


	4. The Answer to the Riddle...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was late at night. My friend, (playing as Maya) blocked my way to some loot to ask me a riddle.  
>  I was already giggling and laughing, I was tired and loopy. They let me in, then block may way to the exit to ask another riddle. Then, I ask them a 'riddle', which leaves them geniubly laughing.  
>  This was a feat, seeing ss they don't like my puns and jokes. I was inspired by that moment.

It was a good thing, that while still at Sanctuary, they decided who had the honor of killing Handsome Jack.

They gave it to Zer0. Angel's dying wish was practically for Zer0 to do it, just after they told the answer to the secret riddle.

Maya could have done it, but she denied, feeling Zer0 would have more fun with it. 

It was a good thing because now, they were all watching him ramble. Defeated, in pain, plan in tatters. 

He still beleived he was better than all of them, and every Vault Hunter present itched to kill him and shut him up.

They still waited for Zer0 to do it.

"Did you ever find it?" Maya intrupted him, grinning, smug and giddy all at once.

Handsome Jack turned to her, glaring and expression full of mania.

" _ Excuse  _ me?"

"The riddle- Did you ever find the answer to the final riddle? You say we're idiots. But you haven given us your final answer." Maya put her hand on her hip, gesturing for Zer0 to speak up.

Jack somehow looked even more furious. "You still expect me to answer your stupid  _ riddle _ ?"

"So that is a no?/ how dissapointing. I was / so sure you'd get it." Zer0 approached, shooting Jack a frowny face from their helmet. Maya's smile was becoming more entertained, less smug.

"When stealthy, the best/ type of footwear to use is…?/" Zer0 weilded their sword, calmly pointed towards the ground. Maya stood upright, watching with uncontained anticipation.

"Spit it out already, child killing phsycopath! I'm not going to play your  _ stupid  _ games!"

Zer0 got even closer, Salvador stepped away from Maya and her estranged smile. 

They finished the haiku. "It's… _ sneakers _ . Get it?"

Maya started laughing aloud finally, snorting and hiccuping. If she weren't leaning so heavilly on Kreig, she probably would have fallen over by now.

Even Zer0 was affected, shoulders shaking, free hand wrapping loosely around their chest.

Jack looked _ pissed _ again. " _ WHAT!? _ You wasted my time for  _ that _ !? You fucking-" 

He couldn't finish before Zer0 swiped his sword, removing Jacks head in a diagonal, swift motion.

Maya stood on her own two feet, gasping and trying to catch her breath.

"Oh my god,  _ sneakers!  _ I get it! _ "  _ Axton dragged his hands down his face, fed up.

Zer0 collapsed at this, on their hands and knees, helmet touching the ground. They pounded a weak fist on the ground, shaking and laughing harder.

Maya also went down, trying so hard to remember to  _ breath _ . 

Deciding this was no longer his problem, Axton walked over to Lilith.

"Alright, lets just… uh, leave them to it. Up and at em Lilith."

Everyone but Kreig followed Axton and Lilith back to Sanctuary to celebrate, leaving Maya and Zer0 on the ground, still trying to contain themselves over a rediculous joke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'What footwear do ninjas wear?'  
>  -'sneakers.'  
> (For the rest of the night, we'd say 'fucking sneakers' at random intervals and crack up all over again)


End file.
